my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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