well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
