it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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