we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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