Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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