im six kinds of drunk right now
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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