the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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