They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
