Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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