She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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