He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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