I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
