Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
