he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
