The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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