I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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