so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he was CRYING into my vagina
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
