We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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