fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
