why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
