tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
