I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
