I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
