Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
