The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
