Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
