She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
