Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
