yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
