What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Well I just put wine in my tea
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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