My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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