he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
