we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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