i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
