call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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