my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
