I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize