saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
