Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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