He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
