I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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