So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Randomize
