I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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