I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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