your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
