Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize