New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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