His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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