I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
