I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
