Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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